Today was supposed to be a peaceful day for me. I wrote it into my life, like the monk I follow on Instagram told me (and millions of others, I’m sure) to do the other day.
I follow Walk For Peace on Instagram. One of the monks, who usually speaks for the group said to a crowd of people to wake up, make your bed, use the restroom, then come back and write in your journal, “Today will be my peaceful day.” He also said, “Do not to touch your phone” during this morning practice.
So today, I woke up, used the bathroom, and instead of making my bed, I got back into bed, pulled out my journal and wrote, “Today is a peaceful day.” I couldn’t remember the exact words he wanted written but I mean I figured I got the gist of it. I didn’t want to touch my phone searching for his words of wisdom anyway.
It wasn’t until I completed an entry in my journal, that I allowed myself to scroll mindlessly on my phone (while still tucked into bed) until I had to get up for work. I felt extremely tired this day. It could’ve been due to the back to back workouts I did at my local Pilates studio. Or maybe it was because my period just ended, which is usually when I get the most tired.
Whatever, I didn’t want my low energy to lead my day. So I got up and was pretty excited to have a peaceful day. Since after all, it was now written into existence (or so I thought).
I finally got to making my bed and getting ready. Looked at my calendar and noticed I had a meeting scheduled for 12pm with my new supervisor. A part of me said not to worry. But I found it odd that she needed to schedule a meeting with me about a program I’ve been managing for 10 years.
I went into the meeting pretty optimistic, telling myself if things happen unexpectedly, I will be okay no matter what. She ended up telling me what my mind had suspected. They were removing me from the program I managed for 10 years and asked me to train another nurse to take over my position. This is because I’m a licensed nurse, and they now need a registered nurse to do my job or so they say. My company is in the middle of a reorganization and this would be part of that process.
I voiced that I was sad and upset but honestly, it’s just business. I thanked my supervisor for meeting with me. At this point, I knew I was sad and upset but didn’t really process what that really meant.
Now that I have time to really think about it. I’m not just sad and upset but I’m really sad and upset. That program has been with me since the start of my career at this company. They also told me I have until the end of this month to train the other nurse and transition it over.
I just feel so disposable. I’ve always told my daughters that companies will always put their business first and their employees last. But I never thought that would happen to me since I was a nurse. I thought if I had great relationships and rapport with our patients and medical team that they would see my value.
I was wrong. Now, with this new reorganization, they have a bottom line to meet and they need to fulfill it whether or not the other person may or may not be a good fit.
During our meeting, as my new supervisor was talking, I noticed a small white drenched (it’s been raining here) animal run across my yard (I work from home) and into my old empty chicken coop. After I got off the phone with her, I went to the chicken coop and noticed a cute little wet animal inside. At first glance, I thought it was a possum because of the color. But its eyes weren’t beady like a possum.
I went back into my house to grab cat food and bring it back out. This animal stuck its little head out and looked so cute. I knew it was scared to come out so I placed the bowl of cat food in front of the chicken coop entrance and walked away. When I returned, I noticed all the food was gone.
I called animal control and told them I have a sick animal in the backyard. I hoped they would come and care for it back to health but instead, they didn’t properly capture the animal and it ran away!
The guy said it was an old albino raccoon. When he said this, I started balling. I was so sad because it looked like it was in such a poor state. If I would’ve known they wouldn’t have caught it properly, I would’ve left it alone in peace in the chicken coop.
Writing this now I’m still crying. I’ve been crying all day about it. I don’t know if my emotions are more heightened because of the news that I’m losing a program I put so much heart and soul into or what? It’s also raining so hard outside. The thought of this poor raccoon just trying to find some where dry and warm breaks my heart.
Later today, I needed to get on the train to get to San Francisco. It’s about an hour train ride. Tomorrow, I need to go into the office in South San Francisco and thought it would be a good idea to sleep at my mom’s in the city. This way the commute wouldn’t be so bad in the mornings since I start at 7am.
On my journey to the city, I couldn’t help but continue to cry for this poor scared albino raccoon. Even when I got to my mom’s house, I shared the story with her and my step dad. I broke down in tears again. I never cry in front of them.
The whole day I couldn’t help but remember what the monk said to write, “Today will be my peaceful day.” Was this not true for me because instead of not touching my phone like he instructed, I laid in bed doom scrolling? Did I not follow the instructions correctly by not making my bed and instead getting back into bed? Am I getting punished now? Like what is up with seeing pain in this world? Especially towards helpless animals? I don’t understand the point of it? Witnessing something like a helpless animal trying to seek comfort?
All of these questions running through my head doesn’t feel like peace to me!
I’m noticing that in a city, like San Francisco or New York, I witness a lot of human suffering, i.e. homelessness, substance use, etc. In a small town like where I live, I witness a lot of animal suffering. I’ve seen sick birds, stray cats and dogs, weak mice, and more. I watch and feel helpless in helping both human and animals in that moment. Sure, I donate and volunteer but what do I do in the moment a mice is limping away outside from a broken shoulder or what I think is a broken shoulder?
I’ve called animal control before to pick up a stray dog. I don’t know if they ever did. They told me to let it roam after I told them I tried to get the dog to come to me. Would they come pick up the mice on the weekend when they’re closed? I don’t think so.
On the train, I had to take deep breaths and with each breath, I recited to myself, “I am grateful for our health (mine and my family’s) and our safety.” I had to repeat that to myself several times to calm my nerves and find that peace I so desperately needed at the moment.
The other day, I was talking to my oldest. We were talking about needing to remind ourselves that bad times will pass. But while you’re in it, how hard it is to remember that bad moment or feeling isn’t permanent.
Right now, at this very moment, I am in that bad place. Where I don’t see how it can pass and instead, it’s magnified by my feeling helpless towards sick animals. If I think about it for too long, I can get into a really dark place, depressive really. I’m sitting here now writing and trying to realize, this too is temporary.
This past weekend was so awesome. My daughters and I celebrated my eldest’s birthday by having dinner and going to karaoke. I was on such a high from the weekend. I guess the good times are also temporary.
Reminds me of when I spent three weeks in San Francisco. I was worried that I would get bored and lonely with nothing to do. Instead, I ended up being so busy meeting with friends after work. I had such a fun time!
One Saturday, I decided to have a solo date of walking. I wanted to enjoy my alone time before heading back home the next day to my kids. I had such a nice time walking from the Ferry Building all the way to Crissy Fields. This solo date was a day after walking from San Francisco to Sausalito with a friend. Both days the weather was perfect!
When I got back to my mom’s house, I was feeling so much love and gratitude for my life. Then I reached for my phone and looked on Instagram. That’s when I saw the news and videos of Alex Pretti. My heart sank. I cried and once again, felt helpless.
How could I have had such a great day, when another fellow American was shot and killed? I didn’t know how to feel nor how to accept it. Sometimes, its just too much for me to take in. Then you have the Epstein files. I can’t even allow myself to go there because for sure there will be no peace for me.
Sorry for this sad post. But I want to also share a part of me that’s real too on this blog. If you’ve read this far, thank you. I hope to bring more light and love on here. But for now, I’m sorry for the heaviness. I hope you find peace where ever you are in the world.
For now, I will try my best to feel gratitude for the love, good health, and safety around me. I mean I really need to right now. Because although both are fleeting, the good and the bad, finding gratitude in everything is never-ending. Thanks for reading and peace be with you.
