This is my point of view on dating in your 40s. I’ve been single for a few years now and decided to casually get back onto the dating app, Coffee Meets Bagel. I’ve used a lot of dating apps throughout the years, from Tinder to Bumble, and a little bit on Hinge. Coffee Meets Bagel was my least favorite because I thought it was too slow.
A long time ago, I preferred Tinder a lot because I met people faster. This was in my early 30s. And at that time, I just wanted to have fun.
Since I was 15, I have been in a relationship. I had my firstborn at 16! Since that age, up until I was 31, I was in four serious relationships. The longest one for 8 years.
When my last relationship ended at 31, I decided I wanted to have fun, and so I did. I no longer wanted to be in committed relationships and decided to date multiple people. It was invigorating, exciting, and at times intoxicating. I loved it…for about 7 years. Then I started wanting something more meaningful.
And so the search began for something more substantial, more intimate. I hopped back onto the online dating apps with more intention. I knew what I wanted and wasn’t shy to let the world know my desires had shifted.
I’d tell the men I dated my intentions, and most of them agreed. The problem was that they would agree too quickly. I didn’t know this at the time (now I was around 39), but what I experienced in my late 30s, early 40s was a lot of love bombing. Ah, the joys of dating in your 40s.
At the time, I took love bombing as passion, connection, and intimacy. I was flattered! For the most part, when I’d meet someone and liked them, it wasn’t hard for me to get into a relationship with them. The guys I didn’t want to go on more dates with were either graceful, annoyingly persistent, or complete assholes. But they didn’t matter.
The ones that mattered were the ones I liked. And when I liked them, and they liked me too, it was intoxicating. They’d flatter me with beautiful compliments. Prove their devotion to me with loving words and acts of commitment. I was soaking it all in and glowing in the attention.
As fun and beautiful as that moment of courtship was, it was all very similar. Here’s why…the courtship was all very short-lived, and started to feel like a pressure-cooker. Around the first couple of dates, I would confidently share that I intended to be in a relationship. However, I didn’t realize how fast that would start to take place.
Within the first month of meeting some of these men, I would already be in a relationship with them (not at the same time). The pressure came from them for me to commit. I know I said I informed them of my intentions, but I also prefaced it by saying that I would like to get to know the person first before making that commitment.
Basically, my spiel went something like this…”I’d like to meet someone that I can share my life with. I don’t need to be in a relationship. I’d like to be in a relationship so we can have fun in life together. I’d also like to get to know someone first to make sure we’re compatible. And if not, that’s ok too. Maybe a friendship can grow from it.” I mean, we’re more mature now while dating in your 40s, right?
And then, that’s when the compliments came…the acts of devotion, the feelings of lust mixed with stability. Like clockwork, I fell for it most times, sometimes falling really hard. Not only did we “floor it” in getting into a relationship, but we, not surprisingly, would also crash.
Most of these relationships lasted for about 5-6 months. One relationship I had lasted for 2 years. But that was because of the pandemic. Thankfully, I met a really good guy at that time. We spent a lot of it outdoors, camping, backpacking, rock climbing, hiking, etc. He was such a nice guy, and I was such a b*tch to him. Yes, I regret being mean to him.
It was a situation where I was trying to force myself to love him. But there was no passion or feelings of intimacy in my heart. Basically, there was no chemistry for me either. I thought the lack of chemistry was one of the realities of dating in your 40s. That chemistry wasn’t important. But, obviously, I was wrong.
In the beginning, there was chemistry. This was because I didn’t know him yet, and I created a story about him that turned me on. When I got to know him better, I realized how different we were. None of my jokes landed with him. None of his jokes landed with me. His affection towards me became my annoyance.
I wanted to be with him just because he was a good guy. He was even-tempered, outdoorsy, masculine, very smart (Bachelor’s in Applied Physics), and worked for a biotech company in Silicon Valley. He also had all his hair and looked great in his 40s. I can’t forget about his sexy French accent, too. I mean, honestly, dating in your 40s, we’re aging, and the reality is, most no longer look youthful, and that’s okay.
Although my body enjoyed all of his good genes, my heart didn’t. One day, conveniently, when the shelter-in-place order was lifted, society was trying to go back to normal. Both my body and heart aligned, and I no longer enjoyed him. Once my body stopped, my head finally listened. My body literally jerked when he was trying to be intimate with me. I felt so bad. I knew this wasn’t fair to him at all.
Fortunately, when I ended it with him, he was very understanding. He asked if we could stay friends. Of course, I said yes. But when he kept asking me to hang out with him, I knew I really needed to end it.
Oh, but don’t worry, I met my karma shortly after…that’s when I met the functioning alcoholic who ended up pulling two small knives on me. Thankfully, I was able to disarm him both times since he was drunk. Later, when he was calm, I got my revenge and punched him twice in the face. Yeah, crash and burn.
I didn’t realize he was a functioning alcoholic until five months of us dating. He was a UC Berkeley English graduate. Cycled competitively all over the world. Grew up in an affluent suburban neighborhood of Palo Alto, CA. I mean, he looked great on paper!
After that, I still had the audacity to want another relationship. Because if anything, dating in your 40s sure does take some resiliency. However, I took a year to reflect and learn from my lessons.
The lesson I learned is that they all, even my pandemic good guy boyfriend, rushed and pressured me into a relationship. They would consistently compliment me, shower me with “acts of love,” and speak of devotion and inspiration. I mean, how could I not fall for it? I felt like a queen, to be honest. Because when you’re dating in your 40s, who wouldn’t want to feel that way?
The problem is, I didn’t vet these guys long enough. But now that I had this wealth of knowledge, I was able to get back into the dating scene after a year. And let me tell you, it really was no different.
I know, I know…you may be wondering, didn’t I just say I learned my lesson? Well, I did! But for some reason, I kept attracting the same boys…the ones who rush. But this time, I had the wherewithal to stop them completely in their tracks.
After not dating for a year, I met two guys. Went on a date with the first guy (a science-fiction author of a small collection), and it went really well. We had sushi in Berkeley, dessert, then we grabbed two cans of local lager from his trunk, and walked around Berkeley’s cute neighborhood getting to know one another.
It was a fun, chill, and cute date. I was hopeful for a positive romance. After our first date, he’d text me to follow up, checking in on me throughout the week. A few days later, he asked to talk on the phone since he knew that was my preferred form of communication.
When we were chatting, I asked him what he was doing. He said he was writing a list of date ideas. I thought that was sooooo cute! I asked him what some of his ideas were. He told me the first was to watch a comedian in Reno. Reno is 3 hours away from me. I asked what time he expected us to make it back home. He said he would get us a room with two separate beds so we could stay overnight.
I was so disappointed…Why we couldn’t we go on a regular date? Like dinner, for the first couple of weeks? I realized that his pattern was probably rushing into things based on what he told me about his last marriage. I don’t remember how I ended that call, but I’m pretty sure I brought up the “why not dinner?” question. Are overnight dates the new norm for dating in your 40s now?
But as perseverance would have it, I didn’t give up on finding love. I went on another date with someone new shortly after. It had to be different this time around. Right? Because I could not be attracting the same type of men over and over again. I mean, I learned my lesson. Where are all the “healthy” men now?
This first date also went well. It wasn’t as memorable, but it was a nice first date, from what I remember, which isn’t much. He was on his way up to Tahoe to look for property that weekend. He was an architect who lived in Monterey, CA. Tahoe was also 3 hours from me.
During his time in Tahoe, he gave me a call and eventually asked me to join him for the weekend. He told me the weather was great for a bike ride, and the homes were beautiful in the neighborhoods he checked out. Seriously, is this the new norm for dating in your 40s?? I politely declined, and unlike the first guy, he asked me for a dinner date instead. I was happy to accept.
On our second date, we were able to take a walk on a nearby trail after dinner. It was nice to learn more about each other. He talked about his family, Monterey, and his profession. However, I noticed that although he laid low with the grand gesture dates, he would make comments about spoiling his girl, and how they would never have to worry about money, and would always have as many purses as they wanted.
I think the young me may have loved to hear that. But the more mature me, got the ick. I could tell he really wanted to impress me with his financial success.
During the time I was getting to know him, I had a tumor on my left ovary the size of a lime that was newly discovered. Just a few months prior, one of my closest girlfriends passed away from ovarian cancer. It was unclear if my tumor was benign or not, so to be extra careful, they had me consult with an oncologist. The same oncologist that my girlfriend, who passed, went to.
The oncologist and I agreed to have it removed and tested. While I was still under anesthesia, they would send the tumor to a lab to have it tested right away. If it were malignant, I would have a hysterectomy and removal of the surrounding fatty tissues. They couldn’t perform a biopsy for fear that if it were cancerous, it would contaminate nearby organs during the biopsy process.
I remember the day of my surgery, I kept wanting to reach out to my girlfriend and ask her if her experience was similar. If she had the same surgical team, etc. Was she scared? Did she talk to the same people I talked to? But then I’d remember she was gone.
I told my friends what I went through after my successful surgery. My tumor was benign. I didn’t want to worry them since we just lost a friend to ovarian cancer.
Anyway, I tell you all this to say that when they found the tumor, I was dating the second guy at the time. When I got the news and referral to the oncologist, I didn’t want to share how emotionally taxing this was on me with him. I didn’t know him! I also didn’t have the capacity to continue dating. So I told him I was dealing with a serious woman’s health issue and needed this time to focus on that without the distraction of dating.
He seemed to understand and was kind about it. But then his persistence became annoying. Eventually, I had to ignore him.
After my experience with his persistence, I got turned off from dating altogether. And haven’t dated since. It’s been two years since dating the last two guys. Three years since my last relationship.
Over the past year, I’ve been debating whether to hop back into dating. I did, but didn’t take it seriously. This time, I used Coffee Meets Bagel because its slowness worked for me. I’ve matched with several men. We’d message on the app, and either I’d lose interest or vice versa. Because dating in your 40s can get daunting.
The ones that ask for my number, a date, or a video call right away, I ignore. Another guy wanted kids, I told him, “That’s great! But to be transparent, you should probably match with someone else who wants the same.” He later responded and said he no longer wanted to have kids. Wtf? You changed your mind that fast about such a serious life decision?
Out of all of the messages, there is one guy that I’ve continued speaking with. We matched, and in true form, I waited for him to message me first.
He messaged a few days later, and I replied. But nothing…for three weeks, and then he finally responded. I was debating whether I should message back since he took so long. I decided to and thought that since he didn’t message me back promptly, he shouldn’t take offense if I did the same. Because I am not always the best messenger.
After a month of messaging on the app, we finally took it offline and have talked twice on the phone already. We plan on meeting up next month. I’m really enjoying how he is taking the time to get to know me. He’s not pressuring me for anything. He seems pretty chill. It’s been fun getting to know him.
He also seems pretty family-oriented. Something I just realized was missing from a lot of these other men. I’ve had a great few years being single, understanding myself, exploring, and learning about my boundaries. I feel like I’m in a really healthy place to date again. This time, with the wealth of knowledge I’ve gained.
I was sharing with my daughter how, when I was younger, my family took me to a monk who was like a prophet. At the time, I had a birthmark along my sternum. The monk said in my past life, I was a man. That birthmark is the spot where I was stabbed by one of my jealous mistresses. Dang…Apparently, I was a player in my past life.
Growing up, I totally forgot about that experience. It wasn’t until I was older and went through several failed serious relationships ( i.e., baby daddies) that I remembered I was probably paying back the karmic debt of my past life.
I thought to myself, maybe once I learn my lesson in this lifetime, my karmic debt will be paid off, and I will have a successful relationship. I thought the lesson was about paying attention to red flags in men and how to attract the “right” type of man.
But as I continue to evolve, I think the lesson I’ve learned through my karmic debt is that I love being a woman. Women should be honored, respected, loved, and cared for. I should be honored, respected, loved, and cared for. I should honor myself, respect myself, love myself, and care for myself. That’s what I think the real lesson is from my karmic obligation.
I don’t know where this will go with the dude I’ve been talking to recently. I’m excited to get to know him. I’m confident that even if nothing transpires out of it, I will still be happy nonetheless.
Someone told me that the way those men were persistent came off as desperate. Now, I can’t unsee that. Because the pressure and persistence do come off as insecurity. Like it’s a game they might lose if they don’t play harder.
Dating in your 40s…man, it ain’t easy, but it can be fun. I hope I can continue to share some of my dating adventures with you. Share some of your dating stories below! I would love to hear what dating in your 40s looks like for you.
Thanks for reading!
